Before I give you a glimpse into an eye-opening discussion with CrisMarie Campbell and Susan Clarke, let me just say that I’m so grateful you’re here listening or reading along with us through these crazy times. I know that many of us have had our lives turned upside down, and I’m glad we can come together to learn and grow.
Today, I’m excited to share a podcast interview I did with the authors of The Beauty of Conflict: Harnessing Your Team’s Competitive Advantage, CrisMarie Campbell and Susan Clarke. They’re going to give us some useful advice on conflict, a topic that comes up quite a bit in this podcast. There are obviously so many 
different approaches to conflict, and let’s face it, we all deal with it daily. And even now, with COVID-19’s effect on the work world, we can’t expect our in-office conflicts to just disappear when we start working from home.
Bringing Ideas to the Table
I wanted to start with Susan because I remembered reading her “About the Author” and was intrigued by her story. She said that she learned about miracles when she saw people with starkly different points of view collaborate on a common problem that they both cared deeply about. I wanted to know more.
Susan began, “I assume you’re talking about what I refer to as “Project Susan,” which had to do with my cancer experience when I was in my early 20s. For me, it was a moment where I learned about leadership because I got diagnosed with a very advanced Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and, by the time they caught it, it was at stage 4. The doctors used a very aggressive protocol, but nine months later, when I was getting my checkup, it was pretty clear.”
At that point, Susan revealed that the plan wasn’t working and the doctors informed her that she had only six months left to live. She remembers picking up a flyer about life, death, and transitions as she walked out of the office door because, as Susan put it, she “had to learn how to die.”
That’s when Susan decided to take matters into her own hands. She went to all kinds of experts: non-traditional doctors, dieticians, even a spiritualist. Susan realized that they “all had some ideas, but they did not like to work together.” They were almost hostile toward one another, she recalled. She realized that this conflict between professionals over her treatment was not going to help her move forward. She said: “Look. This is Project Susan. So I’m ultimately going to be the decider of the direction we go, but I want your input. You guys are much smarter than me, so help me figure out the answers. Well, at least ask the questions, and let’s go with this.”
It was through this difficult time that Susan learned that conflict between approaches and perspectives wasn’t something to avoid but to face. She learned how important it was (and is!) to bring an idea to the table, but also to be curious about the ideas of those around you. She recalled, “The biggest piece for me was realizing that we can talk together, even in our strongest differences, and miracles happen. I’ve seen it for my own health, and I’ve seen it many, many times since with teams and leaders of all kinds.”
Tolerating the Tension
When we have differing opinions and strong emotions, and when we’re focused on a goal, we find ourselves in that right/wrong energy, according to CrisMarie and Susan. And we feel like we’re not built to hold all the tension between ourselves and our colleagues, so that’s when we “opt out” of the conflict altogether. We shut down and avoid, all so that we don’t have to deal with the discomfort we’re feeling.
This is a natural human response to conflict. However, if you can learn to tolerate it, you’re going to come up with new possibilities that you might not have expected. That’s why CrisMarie and Susan find themselves “coaching leaders and team members on how to actually build your capacity to tolerate that tension.”
So, when your team is experiencing conflict, don’t opt out. Ask yourself, “Am I really utilizing the varied expertise of all these people sitting around this table?” If the answer is “no,” lean in and encourage the sharing of ideas.
Modeling Authentic Conflict
Susan went on to explain that we must model the type of approach to conflict that we wish to see in our teams. She recalled, “We worked with the top executive team of one organization, and we had to go through a lot to get them to change their ways. But they got there. Later, the CEO of that company said ‘The thing that has been the best for us is that now we don’t keep conflict hidden, and our approach has filtered through all of the organization.’’ It turned out that the employees saw that their leaders were willing to hash through conflicts and disagreements, and they began to trust that they could do so as well.
Susan noted, “It doesn’t even have to go perfectly. The reason I think we’re so good at what we do that we will actually work out disagreements right in front of the clients. Not deliberately, but we do disagree. CrisMarie added, “I’ll be thinking, ‘She’s going to get us fired.’ But often the client wants to work with us again because of the realness of our interactions.” This goes against everything our subconscious tells us about conflict. For example, we don’t want to present an idea contrary to our boss’s, or we don’t want to stand up for our idea because we know we’re in the minority.
The “Me Compass”
Another common denominator in conflict is our own awareness of how we ourselves contribute to it. I asked Susan and CrisMarie to expand on this concept a little bit.
Susan began with the question: “How critical is it to become better at knowing what you’re hiding?” And CrisMarie added, “We call that the Me Compass.” I was intrigued.
Susan explained, “The Me Compass is essentially our self-awareness. We should be asking ourselves, ‘What am I thinking, feeling, and wanting right now?’ and ‘How willing am I to share that?’” Once we begin to recognize that we have prejudices and biases that have arisen from our most significant emotional events, we are then able to get rid of them. And when we can understand why we think the way that we do, then we can become open to new ways of seeing the world around us, namely our role in conflict.
Getting feedback, CrisMarie added, is a good way for us to begin to recognize our own blind spots. But we’ve got to be open to constructive criticism instead of responding with defensiveness. If everyone comes to the table with that right/wrong mentality (“I’m right and everyone else is wrong”), then moving forward is virtually impossible. But when we approach conflict with curiosity about others’ ideas and a willingness to recognize our own shortsightedness, that’s where real forward movement begins.
Final Thoughts on Conflict
I asked Susan and CrisMarie to give me their final thoughts on conflict, and this is how they responded:
Susan: Conflict is your life force. Don’t be afraid of it. It’s natural, it’s healthy, and it’s uncomfortable. But, if you can hang in, it’s worth it.
CrisMarie: I grew up to be a professional conflict-avoider, and I still don’t like conflict even though we’ve actually written two books on it. But if you can learn to hang in and find your voice, your life will change and your business will change. You’ll get so much better creative and innovative results. I wholeheartedly believe that.
Learn More About the Beauty of Conflict
As I always say, this article only provides a glimpse into the awesome conversation I had with Susan and CrisMarie. By all means, head on over and listen to the full podcast if you want to learn more, or order their book on Amazon. You can also go to their website, www.thriveinc.com where you can learn about Susan and CrisMarie’s consulting and coaching services, their leadership development programs, and more.
Listen to the full interview with
CrisMarie Campbell & Susan Clarke: