Whether it’s the office note-leaver or the backhanded compliment master, everyone has witnessed passive aggressive behavior in the workplace. But why does it happen? And what can we do about it? Berry Kruijning of Crowning Communications joins us for a candid talk about passive aggressive behavior. We’ll discuss how to spot it, why it happens and how it can impact the workplace. Finally, we’ll go over some ways you can manage your passive aggressive employees to create a more positive workplace.
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Brandon: Welcome to the HR for Small Business podcast, this is your host Brandon Laws. Thank you so much for the download today.
I have a special guest with me. Berry Kruijning, the founder of Crowning Communications. She is a leadership development conflict management coach and consultant based in Portland, Oregon. She works with clients all over the world. She has an amazing background, she has a background in law, many years working with HR. She’s ran her business for 8 years helping leaders turn conflict into conversation. Berry, it’s very awesome to have you here, thank you.
Berry: Yeah, thanks Brandon. It’s great to be here.
Brandon: Today we’re going to talk about passive aggressiveness in the workplace specifically. This is a topic that I think you said, Hey, this is a good one to talk about! And you know what’s funny, we all work with people who have those passive aggressive behaviors, whether in the workplace, or friends and family. So why don’t you, for the listener, define what passive aggressive behavior is and what it sounds like, and maybe a couple of examples that, if we’re not aware of what it is, how we can recognize it.
Berry: Yes. Well, I think we all have experienced passive aggressive behaviors, but it’s very subtle. Passive aggressive behaviors are kind of hidden expressions of anger that people have in them. It’s kind of a covert way to express this anger. It usually comes out in very harmful ways, nonverbal manners or sighs or comments, snide comments. It’s really negative behavior. People also call it sugar coated hostility.
Brandon: [Laughing] That’s a good way to put it, I like it!
Berry: I like that one! You know, it’s like the mean notes on the refrigerator in the cafeteria when people are leaving their lunches there a little bit too long. Not just saying, Hey, guys, it’s time to clean out the refrigerator, but really mean comments. Things like I’m fine. I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong with me, but actions are really pointing to something different, saying something that’s definitely not fine.
Let’s see. The silent treatment. Especially in conflict, a lot of people, passive aggressive people, passive aggressive behaviors are withdrawing from the conflict, giving the other person the silent treatment.
There’s these negative comments, I used to work with a colleague in a very small HR office. And she always had these comments under her breath, almost like we were not supposed to hear them. But we did, because it was a very small office! And it just sets the tone, a negative kind of complaining tone in the whole team.
Another thing is procrastination. It’s a very silent covert behavior, but it really is very disruptive when one person on a team is constantly procrastinating.
Brandon: That’s funny, I wouldn’t have thought that that would be one that would be passive aggressive behavior. Interesting.
Berry: Yeah! Like waiting for the last minute with a task that was requested, doing something poorly. But yeah, procrastination is a big one. And, you know, especially when it’s done on purpose to really get back at someone. So it’s really a covert expression of an emotion that they don’t feel safe to express.
Brandon: That’s interesting. You kind of alluded to this a minute ago, but why even have these behaviors? Is it intentional? Do they even know they’re doing it? Are they internalizing something and it’s sort of a root cause for why they’re acting this way? Are they trying to be funny or sarcastic? I don’t know if those sort of align, but could you give us some insight as to why people actually practice passive aggressiveness?Berry: For a lot of people that goes back to not having learned to express the emotions or the anger, or having learned that it’s not safe to do that. And, you know, I don’t want to be sounding too psychological, but it does go back to not having learned the skills of being assertive and expressing what we need in the moment. So why do people have these behaviors? I always believed that people’s behaviors have a positive intention, and coming from that place there’s a positive intention behind every behavior and I was thinking about this before our talk. What is the positive intention of passive aggressive behavior? I think it really comes down to people want to protect themselves from the hurtful responses of others. So they’re afraid to express themselves—it’s coming from a fear—to express themselves, because they don’t know how the other person will respond, and that might be hurtful for them.
Brandon: That’s a great point.
Berry: Yeah, it’s really protecting themselves for that possibly hurtful response. There’s also, for a passive aggressive person, what I’ve found out is a big need for acknowledgement and appreciation, especially in the workplace. Nowadays there’s some workplace environments are not focused on that because it’s focused on getting things done and it’s competitive. And so there could be not a lot of time taken for acknowledgment and appreciation.
Brandon: It’s interesting, as I heard you talk, the times that I’ve used it, because come on, we’ve all used passive aggressive behavior…
Berry: Oh yeah!
Brandon: Just every once in a while! But the times that I think I’ve used it or I’ve seen other people use it, I think we’re trying to subtly move throughout the conflict in an easy way, like Hey, they’re going to pick up on these little signs that way I don’t have to confront them about it and not have to deal with that, the relationship part of the conflict. Because you don’t want to damage that. So, Hey I’m just going to insert this little note or say something subtly and they’ll pick up on it and figure it out for themselves – do you think that’s what goes through people’s heads? For passive aggressive behavior?
Berry: It does a lot. It’s really trying to avoid the short term conflict. That’s a lot of what passive aggressive behavior’s about. Because thinking about, Okay, if I don’t bring it up or if I just make a little remark, it’s exactly what you’re saying. Maybe they pick it up, maybe not, but at least, you know. So it’s really avoiding the short term conflict, but with that of course it’s not constructive. Because, long term, the issue will come up or it will come back or the conflict will fester and it will express itself in a much more destructive way.
Brandon: So if I’m in the workplace and I’m totally oblivious to the differences between assertiveness and passive aggressive behavior – I know it’s kind of far-fetched, but let’s just say I’m totally oblivious.
Berry: You, Brandon?! [Laughing]
Brandon: Yeah, well, I mean, I could be. But let’s say there are some warning signs. Like, if I’m dealing with people who use passive aggressive behavior, how do I notice that sort of behavior? Are there some kind of tells that they have?
Berry: Yeah, it’s really—passive aggressive behavior can be really subtle. We noticed it when I mentioned procrastination and you said, Oh, I would not think of that as passive aggressive behavior. And it’s a mix of things, obviously, it doesn’t mean that if someone is procrastinating that they’re passive aggressive. But it could be a warning sign, and there are some more subtle warning signs, such as what I mentioned in the beginning – words and actions that are not matching up. If someone says, Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. And then at the same time you turn around and they complain about how hard their work is or how much stress they have at home or whatever it is, that is not matching up with the words. Negative attitudes and just general complaining about work situations. Another warning sign could be the sarcasm in someone’s comments.Brandon: That’s me!
Berry: Yeah? And then also, really quickly, saying Oh I was just kidding! Something like that.
Other passive aggressive behavior could be spreading harmful rumors. Blaming is a big one, especially when it’s about their own behavior that they blame other people for. Let’s say someone is late for a meeting and, I mean, it’s their choice, really, but they blame someone else for being late to a meeting. And it’s consistent, you know. They say It’s not my fault that I’m late to the meeting.
Brandon: [Laughing] Whose fault is it, then?
Berry: Yeah, exactly. So those are some really subtle warning signs. And also what I mentioned, comments under the breath, the notes here and there, maybe sticky notes.
Brandon: It’s funny, in preparation for this conversation I read a bunch of articles and some of them you sent to me about passive aggressiveness, and it seemed like every author of these articles or blog posts or whatever I ran across, it almost made it seem like people who use passive aggressive behavior are always in the wrong. And I wanted to ask you, do you think that’s necessarily true? Because it could just be that that’s just their way of dealing with conflict and maybe they’re on the right side of things, they’re just maybe going about it the wrong way. What’s your take on that?
Berry: Yeah, I don’t think they’re wrong. It is just a way – this passive aggressive behaviors – are really a way to cope with stress, to cope with depression, with underappreciation, and to cope with conflict. And so, is it constructive? No, however, I don’t think that the people that have passive aggressive behaviors are wrong in that sense. I just thought, because I did a little bit more research on what is passive aggressiveness. I read somewhere that it really started, it was identified as a mental disorder. I don’t know if you’ve heard of this. And it came from World War II when soldiers started to deny requests from their officers and it was labeled as passive aggressive and the American Psychology Association picked that up. And it was developed as a mental disorder until 1994 when there was this big debate where it was said that this is too situational, it’s too narrow, these behaviors. Too situational, really, to be a psychological disorder. And so, but that debate I think is still going on. And to say that these people are wrong? No, these people are not wrong, it’s just the behavior is not as resourceful as it can be. So there are more resourceful ways to respond to conflict than with passive aggressive behaviors, obviously.
Brandon: So you mentioned that this debate is likely still going on about the psychological-ness of this. My question for you is do they even know that they’re doing it? It almost sounds like no, in some cases they don’t know they’re doing it.
Berry: A lot of people that have passive aggressive behaviors, they are not aware of it, that they are doing this. And that’s why an empathetic approach is really so important.
Brandon: If people are regularly practicing passive aggressiveness in their workplace, how do you think it impacts the workplace? I mean, it could be a manager-employee relationship, it could be even leaders of the company, there’s nobody off the limits as far as who practices and uses passive aggressive behavior. But how do you think it impacts culture in the workplace?Berry: You know, it’s a huge impact, because it is negative behavior. It’s negative, destructive behavior. Even if people are not in conflict with each other, it still sets a negative tone, it still affects moral. If I think back of the situations where I have encountered passive aggressive behavior, it totally sets the tone for a team into a negative spiral. It’s really hard to, people need a lot of constructive skills to respond to passive aggressive behavior in the workplace.
A big impact is that it disrupts the workflow for a lot of teams, for a lot of people because of the little sabotaging that’s going on. Sabotaging of projects, sabotaging of tasks, relationships. And, you know, another thing about this is that there’s a respect factor, and a lot of people tend to not respect people that have passive aggressive behaviors, so if there is no respect, no trust, there’s not a good constructive relationship. These are huge impacts. It really impacts the bottom line in that sense, too.
Brandon: One thing that I’ve noticed when people use passive aggressiveness just in past experience—and honestly, I’ve done it too—is passive aggressive behavior in emails. And what’s interesting about this is that sometimes it’s already hard to tell the tone of somebody in email, so when you add in passive aggressiveness, someone on the receiving end of that could be like, What did they mean by this? And just spend so much time – you talk about disrupting the workflow – they could spend time in their head thinking about a response or thinking about what they actually meant. Whereas, talk about assertiveness, just going to the person and figuring out what the context is or what they actually meant and actually resolve the conflict right then and there versus, we hide behind email so much, the use of passive aggressive behavior just adds this whole other layer to it. Have you ever had any experience with that?
Berry: Oh yeah, I do have experience. Well, it’s when an email comes in or let’s say a passive aggressive person gets an email and it doesn’t come in right. They don’t receive it in a way we intended or the email is intended. So what could happen is no response. So that’s disrupting. And then, the person on the other end, the sender, is really thinking What’s going on here? I recently had this situation myself and so the communication stops, both people make up their own story about the other person’s behavior, and there’s total disruption in the relationship, and again in the work, and things need to get done. So, yeah, it’s very disturbing actually, to workplace relationships, and in personal relationships as well.
Brandon: You described passive aggressive behavior as negative. So is there – and this is an answer I could probably answer for myself – but is there a time where passive aggressive behavior is okay or could have a positive outcome?
Berry: I don’t think in a relationship with another person, it’s not okay. I do think, going back to what is the positive intent behind this behavior for the person who is displaying this behavior it might be the only way at that moment that they see how to cope with the situation and make themselves feel save and not being hurt, not having the risk, not being at risk to being hurt by the other person. So, in that sense, it might be appropriate in a relationship with another person in the workplace or in the family, I don’t think it’s appropriate.
Brandon: Yeah, I would agree with that. I just wanted to get the expert’s take on it. So when we’re dealing with people with passive aggressive behavior whether it’s just a one time thing or not, but if it’s a regular thing you need to somehow approach that person about the behavior and try to fix that. What are some of the steps that either HR managers, managers, just basically people that manage other people or interact with people on a regular basis, how do they help nudge them in the right direction of fixing it?
Berry: Yeah, yeah. I find the word “fixing” very interesting. So my point of view of that is maybe that we cannot change other people.
Brandon: Especially behavior.
Berry: Right, we can’t fix other people unless they become aware of their behavior and what the impact is of their behavior has on us. And then they can start thinking about, once they have that awareness of thinking Okay, maybe I can change that behavior so I have a more positive impact. So we can help people with passive aggressive behaviors by mostly dealing with it in the moment. Just really calling it out in an objective nonjudgmental way. We really have to watch our language in that moment, we really have to watch that we’re not going with them in their passive aggressive argumentative state or whatever state it is or that we are rushing out of the room or that we are responding. So we want to be in a really calm, nonjudgmental, objective state when we are responding to passive aggressive behavior so it doesn’t escalate. So really address it, say It seems like you’re angry. Because it’s really not about expressed anger or badly expressed anger, so It seems like you’re angry in this moment when I make this request from you, for example. And the first thing a passive aggressive person will probably do is deny that anger. And I think what then is important to not go into that denial, not go into that argument and just let it be. Just say, Well, I just wanted to share my observation. And that’s it.
And by sharing the observation and creating awareness around impact that the passive aggressive behavior has on the team, on me as the other person, on basically maybe the bottom line or on the project, sharing that impact—that could create some more awareness and have the passive aggressive person really look at their behavior and say Is this really the impact that I want to have?
Yeah, so you’re asking how can we help a passive aggressive person. I think also knowing that there is a strong need for acknowledgment is really acknowledging and praising and encouraging people and support people when they bring up a difficult issue, when they bring up their emotions about the situation. They might not do it as elegantly or as gracefully as you would do it, but it is important to acknowledge that. Because it’s a very courageous act, it’s a very courageous act for a passive aggressive person to speak up about an issue.
Brandon: Yeah, I think that’s awesome advice because I would worry, if I’m dealing with a passive aggressive person, I would approach them with conflict cautiously just because you have to worry about – maybe they’re going to implode or something. You bring up conflict in an, as you observe it, observing, objective way and then describe how this impacts other people. I think that’s a very subtle way and a really nice way to engage in conflict versus if you just call it out exactly how you see it and have emotion in it, I could see someone like that sort of bringing out the internal anger, basically implosive behavior, and getting angry.
So I like the way you described it. Just sort of acknowledge it for how you see it and describe how it impacts the team or what outcomes there may be from using that behavior. So I think it’s good, really good.
Berry: Yeah, and another way I was thinking of, Brandon, is to really—we can avoid being a trigger for passive aggressive behavior. It’s not that the other person is not passive aggressive in the moment, that we have to do all the work, obviously. However we can avoid being a trigger by staying calm, non-argumentative, be direct, listen, ask some questions about the situation, especially show how we take ownership for our feelings and express our own feelings. So just really be a model for how to be assertive in a situation. And that’s what we can give, and basically I think that’s a really great gift to a passive aggressive person, and help them deal with whatever they are dealing with in that moment.
Brandon: This has been a really fun podcast, is there anything else that you want to say about passive aggressive behavior, how to address it? I mean, you’re a wealth of knowledge, so any resources or training that people can access on passive aggressive behavior?
Berry: Yeah, so I know there’s a ton of information online, obviously. I also have some information on my website, I have some blog articles about passive aggressiveness and assertive communication. I think a good resource would be, for someone with passive aggressive behavior, having them go through an assertiveness training, assertive communication. And to be honest, also things like therapy and through an EAP program, that could also be really helpful because a person with passive aggressive behavior needs to get to a place where it’s safe to express their emotions. A place to speak up in the moment. And that’s something that is a skill and can be learned, it’s a behavior. So there’s many resources and classes out there.
Brandon: Fantastic. Berry, could you give out your website and any other links and resources you want to point people to?
Berry: Yeah, so my website is www.crowningcommunications.com and I would invite people to go to my blog. There are articles on there as well as links to some other resources.
Brandon: Awesome. Berry, it’s been a lot of fun on this topic of passive aggressive behavior, and I appreciate you joining the podcast, a lot of fun.
Berry: Thanks Brandon! Great questions and it’s a great topic, we deal with it daily. It’s so important. Thank you so much!