We know feedback is important. But that doesn’t mean we like it.
Consultants M. Tamra Chandler and Laura Dowling Grealish wanted to understand why feedback is so often treated like a four-letter word in the workplace, so they cowrote Feedback (and Other Dirty Words): Why We Fear It, How to Fix It.
They were inspired by the fear it strikes in most of us: “If I walk up to you and say, ‘Hey, I’ve got some feedback for you,’ if you are like most people, your blood pressure just went up, your anxiety just went up,” Chandler said.
I had Chandler and Dowling Grealish on our Transform Your Workplace podcast to talk feedback and why it’s so daunting—both to give and to receive. They offered lots of practical tips for reimagining feedback so that it’s less scary and more supportive. Here are some of their suggestions.
Open your definition of “feedback.”
At first, Chandler and Dowling Grealish wondered if the best option might be to get rid of feedback completely. But their research and writing brought them to a different answer.
“We can’t get rid of feedback,” Chandler said. “It is inherent to the way we talk to each other, the words we use, the way we think about how we improve a project or product, and how we grow. So we can’t get rid of it. What we have to do is redefine it. We have to hit the reset button and say, ‘Let’s redefine what feedback means to all of us in a way that’s very healthy and can help us grow and improve and thrive as humans and as teams.’”
As they put it in the book, “It’s time to reimagine feedback as a fluid and ongoing conversation, free of ratings, angst, and judgment.” Redefining feedback in this way often means doing away with formal feedback mechanisms, like performance reviews, and implementing ongoing check-ins between managers and employees, where both sides are comfortable sharing what’s going on.
“Performance isn’t enhanced by waiting around until the end of the year to find out that I’m a 3.6 instead of the 4 I’d imagined myself to be,” Dowling Grealish said. “Once I hear that, I go into a spiral of despair. I’m not getting much out of that conversation, though it’s supposed to help me do better. All I can think about instead is licking my wounds.”
So get rid of the false objectivity of ratings systems, and get rid of the formalities. Start a system where feedback becomes more natural and casual and less numerical.
Don’t mix your messages.
The human body is hardwired to protect itself. That means it’s in our biology to look for the negative before the positive. “Let’s say you get three positive statements in a performance review, or a discussion, and one thing to work on,” Dowling Grealish said. “Your mind, your protective mechanism, goes to that one area of improvement. Maybe you feel injured or angered by it, and as a result you can’t process those other thoughts.” Not only that, but the overwhelming positivity that feedback comes wrapped in can feel false.
“Even if you really meant those nice things, even if they were truly heartfelt, that person just will not hear them,” she added.
Or, if the point is serious, starting light and airy seems like you’re just trying to save face. “You’re trying to be the nice guy,” Chandler said, “instead of just dealing with the issue at hand. But being unclear is also unkind. And you didn’t really get to the bottom of the issue.”
Instead of confusing people by offering praise and areas for improvement at the same time, focus on one comment. “Don’t mix the message,” Dowling Grealish said. “Be very, very clear. If there is something that needs to be corrected, just focus on that. And if you just want to share appreciation, keep that separate, and keep it flowing.”
Don’t shy away from sharing praise.
“Share positives more than you typically would, because it takes much more repetition of that good stuff for it to stick in the brain, because we don’t grab onto the positive,” Dowling Grealish said.
In the book, they suggest sticking to a 5:1 ratio: five positive connections—whether it’s expressing verbal praise, or getting a cup of coffee or lunch, or working together on a difficult project—for every constructive, critical comment.
Positive feedback also builds trust and helps people see the goodness and value you see in them, Chandler said. That sets a foundation for having those harder conversations later. “We are building the threads of our relationship, and each of these positive connections makes it stronger. We’re creating a fabric that can support both of us.”
Flip the switch from prove to improve.
“Whether we’re seeking feedback or extending it, we’re often coming at it because we’re trying to prove something,” Dowling Grealish said. “‘I’m trying to prove I’m good at those spreadsheets. I’m trying to prove I’m a smart, good manager.’ But that mindset doesn’t often represent good intent or the best approach.”
Instead, if we aim to improve, we’re coming to a conversation acknowledging we’re a work-in-progress. From the extender’s perspective, “I’m trying to help that person improve rather than prove they’ve been doing something wrong. That puts us in a far better space for providing valuable feedback,” Dowling Grealish said.
Become a master at the fine art of noticing.
One way to reduce bias when delivering feedback is to acknowledge that it’s coming from a singular perspective. “I will share what I’m noticing, and I’m not necessarily going to add why I think you’re doing it that way, or my perspective, or my assumptions. I’m just going to share what I’ve noticed and what impact and effect I’ve noticed of that action, and then we’ll have a conversation,” Chandler said.
We can’t ever escape bias entirely, she added. It’s part of being human. “But we can adjust for it by removing assumptions and judgment and just sharing what we notice.”
Give short feedback and long reflection.
After you share what you’ve noticed, give the other person time before you expect them to change. Encourage them to think and reflect further after your meeting concludes.
“Don’t drop a bomb and expect an immediate flip of mindset. Give people space. Let them reflect, think about it, chew on it, then come back later and decide what needs to be done,” Dowling Grealish said. This allows the person to process the feedback fully and maybe even to talk to other colleagues about the same issue to get a wider perspective.
Listen to the full episode here:
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