We’ve all heard about the “elephant in the room.” Indeed, avoiding the “uncomfortable” has become so common that we have a famous saying to identify it. In today’s episode of Transform Your Workplace, Sarah Noll Wilson gives insight into the research behind her new book, Don’t Feed the Elephants. Learn what elephants keep creeping into your in-person or online meetings, how to address them, and how to create an elephant-free culture in your workplace.
GUEST AT A GLANCE
Sarah Noll Wilson is passionate about helping leaders build strong teams. She is an executive coach, speaker, researcher, author, and work relationship expert. With over fifteen years in leadership development, Sarah is passionate about deepening an authentic connection between leaders and their teams.
A QUICK GLIMPSE INTO OUR PODCAST
🔊 Podcast: Transform Your Workplace, sponsored by Xenium HR
🎙️ Host: Brandon Laws
📋 In his own words: “The Transform Your Workplace podcast is your go-to source for the latest workplace trends, big ideas, and time-tested methods straight from the mouths of industry experts and respected thought-leaders.”
A COMMON PHRASE
We all know that “the elephant in the room” creeps in when we avoid talking about or acknowledging something uncomfortable. This phenomenon interested guest Sarah Noll Wilson, and she became curious about what creates that elephant in the first place. She explained, “We need to talk about how and why we’re avoiding acknowledging or addressing an issue, whether that’s within ourselves or with other people.”
But contrary to what you might think, freeing the “elephant” doesn’t mean solving the problem. “It just means that you’re willing to be curious and attack this avoidance thing head-on.”
PODCAST EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
Creating the Elephant
“The elephant is created when there is a harmful barrier to our success, whatever that may be, and we’re not acknowledging it or addressing it. […] I wanted to understand why we avoid it in the first place? And what we’re observing and exploring is that there are a whole number of reasons why we might avoid it. We might do so because we were raised in an environment where direct communication was seen as disrespectful. Or maybe we were raised in a situation where we were shut down for speaking up for ourselves. Maybe we don’t have the skills. Maybe we don’t feel safe. Also, we could avoid it because we’re protecting our power or authority.”
Trained to Stay Silent
“This book is my love letter to my fellow avoiders. Growing up as a white woman in the Midwest, we were very much culturally conditioned to take care of other people, to nurture, to smooth over, to not advocate for ourselves, to not get too big for our britches.
I mean, the list can go on and. […] Although that’s shifted as we’ve all gotten older, I feel like most of my adult life was spent masterfully avoiding talking about the hard stuff, and I’ve certainly felt the consequences of that.”
In the Meetings, Not the Hallways
“When we think about creating strong cultures and strong teams from a psychologically-safe perspective, if the truths aren’t happening within the group, if we’re not able to navigate disagreements, if we aren’t able to ask tough questions, if we aren’t able to give and receive feedback, and if we aren’t able to be ourselves, our true selves, then we’ll never be as successful as the teams that are able to do that.”
Getting Curious About Trust
“Other people decide if we’re trustworthy. They get to decide if we’re safe. Now, our behaviors can influence this perception. […] And sometimes people aren’t viewed as trustworthy because of who they are. If you’re somebody who’s systemically marginalized, you might not be viewed as trustworthy. Yes, it’s true that you don’t get to decide if you’re trustworthy from a place of control. Our system is also set up to trust some people more than others, and we need to get curious about that.”
That Awkward Silence
“If a group gets silent, I like to get curious with that. What’s not being said in the silence or what is the silence telling us? Be mindful of those conversations after the meetings and those side-eye glances too. “
Don’t Make Assumptions
“Instead of assuming that you have a super safe environment and that you’re a really trustworthy leader, I would actually rather you say, ‘We’re not as safe as we could be.’ If you’re in the position of formal power and authority, how you respond in those moments of disagreement or feedback sets a huge tone for how safe it is for others.”
Little by Little
“It literally happens one conversation at a time, with yourself or with other people. And if you have a team with a great deal of distrust, more than likely it won’t get resolved all at once with the whole group in a ‘kumbaya’ way. It’s going to be these little moments of creating bridges and inhaling and repairing relationships. And the thing that I’ll say is if we do not have the skills or the willingness to have conversations about the smaller regrettable events or the disagreements, then how the hell are we ever going to have conversations about the bigger stuff related to culture?”
Learn More
Curious about the elephants that are hindering your team from productive communication? Check out Sarah’s website, sarahnollwilson.com. You can also buy a copy of Sarah’s book, Don’t Feed the Elephants: Overcoming the Art of Avoidance to Build Powerful Partnerships, wherever books are sold.